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Starmer shows a bit of leg to the Chinese – and Xi swipes right

As the PM builds bridges in Brazil he’s handed Rachel Reeves the reins – she’s plenty qualified

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With Ukraine threatened by Russia and London by the farmers, Keir Starmer flew to Brazil, leaving Rachel Reeves to run the UK. She’s plenty qualified. According to her CV, not only was she an economist at the Bank of Scotland, she was also prime minister of Norway from 2004-2006.
Starmer fancies himself as a veritable Judith Chalmers, dashing around the globe, sampling the local culture. “This week, viewers, I’m in the beautiful city of Rio de Janeiro for the G20 summit, staying at the gorgeous down-town Premier Inn – where we negotiated three nights bed and breakfast with a 20 per cent reduction in carbon emissions.”
Cue footage of porky Keir waddling up the ramp to the G20 hotel – a copy of Bradshaw’s Continental Breakfast Guide in his hand – to be greeted by President Something of Somewhere and his loyal secretary/policeman/lover. The politicians all blend into one. So do the summit locales. Always brutalist; always over-lit; stuffed with hideous floral displays, as if decorated by Elton John.
The British diplomatic team held a bilateral meeting with the Chinese in a monotonous hall, their tables separated by three gigantic plants – so big, so menacing, the casual viewer would assume humanity was negotiating its surrender to the triffids.
In fact, the UK was showing a bit of leg to Beijing. Cameras caught Starmer signalling Britain’s displeasure over human rights abuses in Hong Kong; Chinese officials panicked and tried to push journalists out the door. But we also saw the PM tell Xi Jinping that he wants relations to be “consistent, durable, respectful” and “predictable” – words that could’ve come straight from his old Tinder profile.
China swiped right. Xi observed, favourably, that Labour is “working to fix the foundations of the economy and rebuild Britain”; given longer, he might have observed that the Tories “left a £22 billion black hole” and Keir’s father was a toolmaker. The synergy between Labour spin and Chinese propaganda prompted speculation that one might be an undercover agent for the other… but which is which?
Forget “one country, two systems”. Contemplating the similarities between our socialist regimes, separated only by an angry fern, a wag suggested we call it “one system, two countries”.
“I want a serious and pragmatic relationship with China,” Starmer told Sky News; never mistake him for a romantic. He also wants the world to “double-down” on supporting Ukraine, and Joe Biden is doing his darndest to start World War Three before Donald Trump is inaugurated. But the PM’s Henry Kissinger impression is wasted. Britain does not run the free world. America does. And America is about to fall into the lap of a Republican whose proposed cabinet has the whiff of a Spectre business meeting.
Keir returned to the hotel pool to float in a rubber ring and contemplate the retreat of liberal democracy, his pale belly eclipsing the Brazilian moon. Still: one thing to look forward to. The Chinese agreed to a meeting in Beijing next year – and Keir has offered to send Rachel, on the basis that her CV describes her as “fluent in Mandarin”.
Little does he realise that by “Mandarin”, she meant “French”, and by “fluent”, she meant “un petit peu”.
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